Farewell, our Delaware (C)hild

A decision from the head and not the heart

Why does this feel like a two week hangover - I’ve had little if any to drink.

I have been forced here before, but this time I walked willingly into the dark.

Even though I chose this, it’s nauseating, worse than no option.

Into the seeming failure I stroll, self-accusers gnashing in my face.

Accusing me of not being brave enough, not being smart, not being good enough at X, Y and Z.

Yet I walk onwards - even when everything within cries stop, don’t let go!

The rails of responsibility keep me walking towards your end.

The numbers add up, the confidence bars are tight, the mentat has prophesied, just a thread of possibility to contradict.

Even though the nutrients were given knowingly at risk.

If I have a chance to return them whole, shouldn’t I?

If I have a chance to take a few of your magic seeds, to a sunny spot.

Where they can thrive and spread, outside my fief but in my care and guidance.

Sent down the river in a safe basket, to a better future, a bigger impact.

Isn’t this good?

I swayed and grimaced, hoped and despaired, swung back and forth, but the pendulum stuck.

The era of gravity and its inevitable amalgamation.

Every cog, spring and bolt flowairing together again, no longer blown asunder.

We grew you for a mission, not for the money, not for the game.

If we can accomplish the mission within greater forces, shouldn’t we enlist than try to fight alone?

I’ll take a knee, look to the sky and have faith.

Yet I grieve, for a little while… a little rest… until what is new and good.

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It’s possible to feel like this at the same time as being excited about the future path chosen. I feel like people gloss over the painful part of any big change like this, but it’s completely normal and to be expected. Having been through this before, I was expecting it, but it wasn’t any better for the knowledge.

I wrote this on the Friday before Michael and I joined Cube. I wanted to capture what it felt like then - at it’s worst. Having spent the last three weeks with our new colleagues, and spending time with them in person in NYC, has made these feelings seem distant and faded.